The Red Onion

The Red Onion: Student spends birthday wondering if it is socially acceptable to tell his friends that it is his birthday

Apr 27th, 2017 | By

By Mason Kelliher Staff Writer Last Thursday, a first-year student spent the whole day wondering if it was OK to tell people that it was his birthday. After waking up with high expectations for a day filled with “happy birthdays,” and questions like, “what’d you get?” the student reportedly had his soul stomped and spat

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The Red Onion: Confused fall athletes eye NWC championships during spring practice

Apr 20th, 2017 | By

By Mason Kelliher Staff Writer With our nationally-recognized spring athletes about to wrap up yet another amazing season in the infamous Northwest Conference (NWC), I decided to sit down with our fall athletes and talk about how preparations for next semester’s competitions are shaping up. The football team is coming off a 3-7 season and

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The Red Onion: Willamette to switch to one-ply toilet paper

Apr 12th, 2017 | By

By Mason Kelliher Staff Writer Facing a tightened 2017 – 2018 budget, Willamette’s Board of Trustees was forced to make the rough decision to switch to one-ply toilet paper next semester. The decision came after the Board met to discuss ways it could save money with a thinning budget. After skimping on the paper towel

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The Red Onion: Scientists discover new gender pronouns on Mars

Mar 9th, 2017 | By

By Mason Kelliher Staff Writer NASA scientists searching for life on the red planet got more than they bargained for yesterday when they stumbled upon three new gender pronouns. The discovery was made just after 2:00 a.m. PST by the team working on the Mars rover mission. It has been reported that the rover found

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The Red Onion: Student thinks their voice matters

Mar 1st, 2017 | By

By Mason Kelliher Staff Writer First year Angela Bennett has recently been diagnosed with a rare mental illness which causes her to believe that her opinion actually matters. Angela’s disease affects the decision-making part of her brain so she doesn’t consider other people’s level of interest when she says something she cares about. This manifestation

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Goudy Commons to be awarded third Michelin Star

Feb 9th, 2017 | By

By Mason Kelliher Staff Writer The Café Bon Appetit executive chef announced yesterday that its world-famous dining hall, Goudy Commons, is going to be awarded its third Michelin star this March. Goudy was the first university dining hall to be recognized by the prestigious French guide book, something Café Bon Appetit’s executive chef is very

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White middle class women flood U.S. cities over price of avocados

Feb 2nd, 2017 | By

By Mason Kelliher Staff Writer Last Saturday, in cities across the country, female demonstrators descended in mass to protest President Trump’s proposal for a 20 percent border tax on goods coming from Mexico. President Trump is floating the idea of a 20 percent border tax on imports to help make Mexicans pay for his infamous

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Salem Snow Helps to Unravel Climate Change Myth

Jan 26th, 2017 | By

By Mason Kelliher Contributor Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) scientists studying annual weather patterns in Oregon’s Willamette Valley have made a shocking discovery: climate change isn’t real. In an official statement the EPA’s Head Climatologist, Jay Frost, said, “Our investigation started last December after we received a number of emails and phone calls from residents of

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Willamette newspaper to be discontinued!

Dec 7th, 2016 | By

By Mason Kelliher Contributor After weeks of speculation Keeton Nance, editor-in-chief of the Willamette student newspaper, has confirmed that the Collegian will be scrapped. The decision comes after immense pressure from the Willamette Environmental Community Outreach Society (ECOS). In a media release, the ECOS club president said that “the printing of the school newspaper is

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