By Mason Kelliher
Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) scientists studying annual weather patterns in Oregon’s Willamette Valley have made a shocking discovery: climate change isn’t real.
In an official statement the EPA’s Head Climatologist, Jay Frost, said, “Our investigation started last December after we received a number of emails and phone calls from residents of the Willamette Valley expressing concern that it was snowing, even though it apparently hadn’t snowed there for ages. Initially, we dismissed this as a one-off phenomenon but then it happened again last week. That’s when we knew we had to look at this.”
Sure enough, after studying the Willamette Valley December-January weather patterns from the past three years, the EPA scientists made a shocking discovery. The climate was not warming, it was, in fact, getting colder.
“All you have to do is look at the numbers. It hadn’t snowed in places like Salem for three years and all of a sudden you get three or four snow days this winter. It was unprecedented. Nobody could’ve predicted something like that. Obviously, it means the earth is getting colder, not warmer. It’s basic science,” Frost said.
The EPA has now changed their official statement on global warming to read: “Climate change was a theory that we once wholeheartedly believed in. However, recent inescapable research coming out of the Pacific Northwest is upending this notion. As an institution that respects the scientific method, our official stance is that the climate is not warming, and is actually most likely cooling down.”
With at least one more snow day expected in Salem in late January,the EPA is urging people to keep using their cars and refrain from recycling as we work toward trying to warm the planet up a bit.