As the days get colder and the drinks get hotter, long-distance couples all across the country look forward to cozying up with their special someone over the holidays. For many, this is their first time seeing each other since heading off to college, and while most return to school in high spirits, an unfortunate few will sport puffy eyes and distant expressions.
Intentionally distancing yourself from a person you were close to is a hard and difficult task. Biologically, we grieve the loss of a potential life partner. Emotionally, we grieve the loss of our best friend. After a breakup, most people go no-contact for months on end, not wanting to see or hear from the person they used to love. But why? While some disconnect is necessary, completely cutting out a valuable — assuming they were valuable — person from your life feels like a waste. Given some time, most exes can (and should!) become friends again.
Primarily, partners will have gotten to know each other very well. In most cases, no one knows you better than your significant other. After a breakup, you still share common interests, inside jokes and special activities. Maybe there’s a certain show that you and your ex watched together that has a new season coming out. Reach out to them! No one else understands that show like the two of you do, so why not keep connecting over platonic topics like that? In any good relationship, there’s usually a foundation of strong friendship. After a breakup, it might be a good idea to look past the romantic pain and nurture that bedrock of friendship.
It is common for a breakup to occur and lots of time to pass — months, maybe even years. Then, if your paths cross again, you see each other as new people with no current attachment to each other. This is often when it feels okay to be friends again, but all of the previous momentum is gone. You no longer know each other's favorite color or hobby. The two of you are unrecognizable to each other. If you know your emotions will be okay in the long run, why not start now? Give yourself a week, a month, to grieve the loss of what you had and look toward what’s possible now by continuing to invest in a friendship with your ex. This way, you are able to maintain the strong connection and transform it into something that is viable long term.
A more problematic issue with staying friends is when the two of you begin meeting new people. At first, it can be incredibly hard. It’s hard to watch your ex look at others the way they used to look at you. Knowing the brain that unconditionally cared for you now thinks someone else is cute and funny is a challenge, even for the initiator of the breakup. It can feel isolating, like you are being abandoned. Conversely, it’s difficult to stop yourself from comparing other prospects to your ex, especially if the breakup was caused by reasons unrelated to them as a person. This is when it’s important to remember that moving on is a part of life. It’s bound to happen and it’s good that the two of you are able to find people more suited to you.
However, if you’re friends with your ex and they start seeing other people, it’s okay to take some space from them. Trying to stay in touch while facing these emotions can be a burden. Use that space to push them out of your mind and busy yourself with more important tasks. This way, you can satisfy yourself in your own life and avoid being jealous of theirs. Dating intertwines platonic and romantic aspects. Separating the two and tossing out the romance requires labor, but if you value that person's presence in your life, it is worth the effort.
Additionally, know when to step back. If your ex gets a new partner, you shouldn’t necessarily involve yourself in their life in the same capacity that you are now. Their new person might be uncomfortable with your ex staying in touch with you. Let them know that you are happy for them and that in order to respect their new relationship you might have to retreat several paces. If need be, block them. Nothing is worse than pestering your ex when they are dating someone new. Leave one channel of communication open as you are still friends and they might need or want to contact you for whatever reason. However, be mature and understand that if you care for them as a person, it is hypocritical to disturb their newfound happiness.
Teenage (and young twenties) love is such a strong, passionate emotion. Many people look back and use “I was young” as a reason for so many decisions. Don’t let that be you. Don’t let the stinging pain of youth cost you a friendship with a genuinely good human. Look past the heart-wrenching feelings and see what could be. Depending on how strong your emotions are, you may need more time. But it’s important to see someone as more than just a romantic partner. If you and your ex enjoyed each other's company, even if the relationship didn’t work out, give friendship another go.