Willamette University declares sovereignty, PNCA annexed by Lewis & Clark

Graphic by Alyssa Diggdon.

Before a crowd of nearly 400 students on Jackson Plaza, God-Emperor Steve Thorsett declared on Sunday, March 30, that “all Willamette-owned buildings and grounds shall forthwith define the boundaries of a new nation,” a revolutionary move that has wrested control of university territory from the former hegemony of the United States government. According to Thorsett, the new Bearcat nation will be governed by its own laws, with the God-Emperor himself as supreme ruler.

Over the two days since the announcement, the university has received word that all Northwest Conference (NWC) rivals have formed a coalition (the NWCC) in defiance of Willamette’s new sovereignty. A formal declaration of war was delivered via carrier pigeon, received on the morning of Tuesday, April 1. Cut off from defensive support from the main school, the Pacific Northwest College of Art (PNCA) could not withstand the combined efforts of Pacific, George Fox and Lewis & Clark. The latter officially annexed the college and all of its buildings from Willamette’s control on Monday night. An estimated $4 billion in potential art revenue has been lost.

God-Emperor Thorsett seemed to have largely expected these rival moves, per his fiery Sunday afternoon speech. “They will come for us,” he had said, failing to specify whom. “They will not tolerate our newfound freedoms! So we must — all of us — be willing to fight!” With a rapturous crowd surging in volume over his final words, the God-Emperor then descended from his podium setup, cardinal-and-gold cape flowing elegantly behind him.

“It’s a great day to be a Bearcat,” said one excited crowd member.

Oregon Governor Tina Kotek and the Oregon Legislature have failed to respond to these dramatic changes despite the Capitol Building’s proximity to campus, evidently cowed by Willamette’s swift military growth. Looking to bolster an offensive north along the Willamette River to take back PNCA, the university has implemented a drafting policy that has seen hundreds of students armed for battle.

Many have expressed concern over the school’s new drafting policy, however. According to Article V, Clause I, Statute XII, “Every enrolled individual of fighting age — 16 to 76 — will have their student ID entered into a system. In order to maintain a significant militaristic presence, 15% of the student body must serve active duty in times of peace, with 40% during war.”

“Thank God I’ll be out of here at the end of this semester,” said one student, who chose to remain anonymous due to concerns of imprisonment for anti-government sentiment. “Sucks to be a first-year, I guess.”

The God-Emperor declined to comment directly on the new drafting policy, though in an email response, he did note, “Freedom is something you must be willing to fight for, to die for. Are you willing to die, comrade?”

This is a developing story, and new information will be provided as The Collegian receives updates. Additionally, The Collegian will soon be placed under state control and will thus be the media arm of God-Emperor Thorsett’s new regime.